*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.