*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Ferrari squats
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING