*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.