*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

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bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article


Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.


My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.


*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all


Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.


WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*


My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.


DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”


My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”