bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot
*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”