Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
real
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R