Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

Cause of death: Zumba

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

Oops

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.