Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

A wise man once said nothing.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?