Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

#math

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.