Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.