Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Confused owl: What?!

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.