Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Holy moly

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.