Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??