Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3