I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.
Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.
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Me: Oh No my phone!!!
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
He said I was average – but he was just being mean.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Choosing your identity when you become a politician
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO