The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.