Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.

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I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.


*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!


No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.


me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm


My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.


contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way


Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO