Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Body by sandwich.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?