jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Great acting.. 😂
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Not today.. 😂
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.