jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill