Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

smh

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations