Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Big Sex has us all fooled

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

m’lady

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!