Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

I need a headline like this

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]