Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

me logging onto twitter