Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.