I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined