Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.

I know that now.

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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”


These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It’s a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.


I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.


[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]


Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.


When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.


Facebook’s “People you may know” should be called, “People you definitely know and have been avoiding”.


Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)


I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard when I’ve successfully completed 2 of them…