@jergarl

Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.

I know that now.

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@SladeWentworth

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

@realHamOnWry

These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It’s a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.

@AllanForsyth

I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

@dyldonot

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

@Karissajem

Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.

@Thedudish

When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.

@juliussharpe

Facebook’s “People you may know” should be called, “People you definitely know and have been avoiding”.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

@archerenemy

I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard when I’ve successfully completed 2 of them…