JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Never forget.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine