JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife