Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

The sacred texts.

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.