Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Tuesday

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

Frog purse.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….