Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
So glad we cleared that up
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!