i wish we could shoplift online
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Oops I deleted….
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Got him!
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders