“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
You Might Also Like
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset