“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Oh my God.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…