Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Woke up against my better judgement again

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*