“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”