Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

Risking my life for fun.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing