Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.