*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

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Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.


Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.


My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.


Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out


Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT


Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.


What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.


Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.


FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.


My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.