Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.