Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”

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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby


My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.


[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]


Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake


My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??


Just used the “f word” over on FB so I’m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.