Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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Your honor these allegations are
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“No way.” -Jose
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*