Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist