@jacquelinehey

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

You Might Also Like

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@MikeCanRant

Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@GrantTanaka

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

@EndhooS

[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

@MomOnFire

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

@jitka

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

@trish07tx

How to piss me off: rearrange the grocery store.

How to send me into a psychotic rage: rearrange the liquor store.