Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
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The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok