Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
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How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Tell me you get it…🤣
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
me and the Superbowl rn
