Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

my mind

You just read my mind

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.