Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

[shakes fist at other fist]

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

How funny!