Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

journal

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Good Morning.

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.