her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
it was a valiant fight
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.