Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?