joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
yall want some gasoline milk
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Customize Your Wedding.
i dont have time for this
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere