Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit