Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.