Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

[at the general store]

me: one general please

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!