Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.