Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Good morning, Twitter x

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.