@RunOldMan

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

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@Darlainky

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@OMGSoOverIt

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

@sock_holliday

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

@Mikecanrant

Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.

@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

@sock_holliday

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

@lazerdoov

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.