@Darlainky
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
@RunOldMan
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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@Darlainky
@KamaroPayne
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
@OMGSoOverIt
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
@sock_holliday
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
@CantWaitToNap
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
@Mikecanrant
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
@PhilJamesson
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
@sock_holliday
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
@lazerdoov
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
@dorsalstream
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall