Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.


Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.


Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir


Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.


Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered


‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’


Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.