Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
You Might Also Like
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?