Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
This guy gets it.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Just a friendly reminder!
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.