Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!