Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Merry Christmas
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant