Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I stand by it
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.