Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
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Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”