Jogging
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
U talkin 2 me?
