Jogging
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
