Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

🤣🤣🤣

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*