“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.