“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
This is painfully accurate 😅
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.