“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.