Jogging has never helped my memory.
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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them