Jogging has never helped my memory.
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“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?