Jogging has never helped my memory.
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I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND