Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did