Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.