Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”