[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.