*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I am yelling
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*checks Timeline*…
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.