John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Only a mother’s love …
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this