@TuSoonShakur

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

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@meatballwizard

If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.

@Cryptoterra

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@Roy_oh_Roy

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@mom_ontherocks

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

@AbbieEvansXO

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

@House_Feminist

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women