i need a hug(e amount of cash money)
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
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When you forget your mom follows you on Snapchat
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
God: haha jk it’s just me
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women