John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
You Might Also Like
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Its a hippotatomus
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”