Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning, Twitter x

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.