“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
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Kermit goes Blue.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.