Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’