Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.