Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”