Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage