Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …