Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

The hardest thing Vision has to do

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!